I am a pleaser; I need others to be happy… with me. I need
their thanks and adoration. I need congratulations and thanks. I need the
nourishment it provides my ego. It builds me up in ways that I just can’t do
for myself. If I am something in someone else’s eyes then I matter. Can a work
of art evaluate itself? No, so how can I find worth in myself?
I don’t like me.
I don’t like who I am or who I've been. I constantly find
others that I can be someone else around and then be loved for that mask. I find
people who can give me praise for my deeds and wisdom and find value amongst
their words. I seek out that affirmation like a dehydrated traveler in a vast,
empty desert. Every drop hits my lips like a wave of refreshment bringing life
back into my soul. It never lasts long enough and when my skin turns dry,
cracking like an old piece of leather, I frantically reach out for the next bit
of praise.
I am the worst kind of parasite. Latching on to someone,
bringing them something they need but in turn I am using them for their love.
Every act I do for them brings me some little morsel of nourishment to my
broken soul. Drinking as often as possible fills me up immensely and drives my
ego wild. When that relationship has dried up, when the superficial feedings
are not enough or when they try and get too close I run. I detach and go
elsewhere for my meals. I hide it well, but secretly my heart cries out for the
love that they may have given me. My pride gets in the way and instead of
humility and vulnerability I place up a shield around my heart, around my mind.
With cleverly crafted words, faces that hide my inmost emotions and lies
layered upon lies I can cut ties in an instant. Sometimes there is scarring
left behind but most times I can leave someone alone and take the scars upon
myself. “This is for the best” I tell myself. Feelings of guilt mix so well
within the feelings of fear that I can trick myself into believing that leaving
is what’s best for them, that leaving is the noble thing to do. That I can take
all the pain that would have befallen them and hold onto it for myself. I
leave, a small child somewhere within cries out, blubbering through tears and
agony to be freed. I do my best to quiet
this inner voice and remind myself that I am strong enough to do this on my
own.
I’m not.
I am not strong enough because relying on my own abilities
has gotten me nowhere. All these patterns are useless and bring me more and
more pain. Instead of calling out for help in my times of trouble I internalize
feelings that long ago should have been shared with another. I hide away hoping
that no one will see my shame and recognize my pain. I put on mask after mask
and the only tell tale sign of my own internal turmoil is the occasional
outburst. There is pain and anger only inches below the surface but I guard the
entrance into this world with such force that anyone who approaches is waved
off all too quickly.
Too much focus is put on my safeguards that I never truly
delve into myself.
Sure I tell people I am fine and I fool myself into thinking
I am doing it on my own, but this is another layer of the lies. So much of my
energy is focused outwardly and on distractions that I never truly seek out the
darkest places within myself. Part of this is out of laziness. Who wants to dig
and sort through the piles of junk that have been untouched for years? Most of
it is out of fear, fear of truly facing myself. Fear of finding out the truth
about just how fallen and broken I am. Without knowing the whole truth I can
further delude myself into thinking that it isn't that bad. I can continue
living a charade of someone who isn't hurting and focus on so many other things
around me. Beyond this I do not delve out of another fear, a greater fear. A
fear of something so utterly unbelievable that I makes my soul want to hide at
the very though. A fear that I am loved and have worth outside of the eyes of
another. I am afraid of this realization because it is so foreign to me. I am
afraid because it would be such a hard pill to swallow that trying to visualize
it makes my lungs tighten against themselves, forcing the air from my being.
God, bring me the ability to let go of my need for approval.
Let me stop hiding in the praise and words of others, finding my value and
worth there is never enough and I know I am meant for more. Teach me that while
I cannot do this on my own that the adoration of another is not who I am, it is
not what makes me loved. Remind me that I can never find enough love from
someone else to justify my eternal life. Show me your love. Show me how to love
myself and to find myself worthy of love. Show me how to open the lock so
rusted with years. Help me God to see in me what I know you see in me. Amen.