So my world has been flooded over the past months and years
with people; people who have loved me well and deserve love in return. There
have been plenty of times I have been selfish in these areas but acted under
many disguises. I have lived a lie in many ways and hope that by delving into
this part of my story I can find some healing for the wounds I caused others
and to myself. I have always had a uniquely faulted view of relationships, but
that has been rapidly changing these past few years and so I wanted to let
others into my musings on said topic.
Living in relationship with another human is hard; in fact
it might be the hardest thing we are called to do. Humans can be self-centered,
moody, irrational, and in every definition of the word, messy. It can be
awkward and uncomfortable to be close to another soul. See one of our natural
reactions to closeness is that of defense. Our very
nature leads us to desire the ability to hide our darkest shame away from the
world. This of course is threatened by the thought that someone might make their
way past the guards, walls, and vault doors we so deftly built to protect
ourselves.
I speak from personal
knowledge of the resilience of the ramparts that can exist surrounding the
heart. My life has been full of messages and events that slowly trained me as a
figurative stonemason. My apprenticeship took place under the watchful eyes of
shame, the powerful hands of abandonment, and the years of experience that fear
has on its resume. It was easy to put up the defenses once I learned how.
Slowly but surely the barricades rose leaving me in a tactically advantageous
point for any battle that could come my way. This often showed in outward
reactions such as humor and sarcasm, both are wonderful tools in keeping the
conversation away from the serious. I became a master at weaving responses of
non-committal and aloofness that never let anyone truly figure me out.
Now there are certain
positives that come with being in such a place. It makes it easier to lose
friends and family as they never really got close. Sure they may have been a
meaningful part of my life but since they never got to the inner sanctum of my
soul it wasn't as destructive when they were removed. It allowed me to be
strong for others in their times of distress. When a friends life seemed to be
crashing down I could lend a shoulder that was not itself falling apart. It
gave me an ability to focus in the hard times of life and be collected in the
face of disaster. It also gave me a refuge of sorts, a refuge from myself. It
was wonderful to be able to never confront my darkest secrets because no one
ever had the whole story, no one held all the keys and so there was not an
individual who could call me out on my guilt.
That being said there where and still are the terrible
side-effects. In the moments when I needed someone to lean on I didn’t know how
to ask. Even I was unable to access certain parts of my inmost being and thus
was not able to share them with others. I had kept everyone out so long that
the core of my being became unfamiliar to me. In relationships it made me
unable to show my emotions in ways that would be beneficial. There are moments
even today where I cannot cry no matter how much I want to, this has shown up
in many of the close relationships and it makes me feel alien.
This is just part of the dark side of who we are, the side
that seeks to hide from light and searches for a way out when cornered. This
side is driven by fear, the fear of feeling shamed by the rest of the world in
the same way we shame ourselves. I know all too well that this fear can be
crippling, it has a special ability to suffocate us in its iron fist. There is
hope though; there is another side of the heart. This other side is one of hope
and longing, but I’ll discuss more of that in the next post.
Max
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