The inner voice is supposed to tell me things that are true and good. It is supposed to guide me and be my solace in times of great need. Then where is it in the pain? Why is it hardest to hear when I need it the most? Why after screaming in agony is there silence? The voice is supposed to be there and yet at times it seems impossibly far away or nonexistent altogether. If only the voice were louder, easier to hear amongst the distractions of the world. At times this is my greatest test, just trying to find this voice amongst my life. In fact I would say it is where I fail most consistently. There is an ever present dichotomy within my mind. I hear the voice tell me the things that I should follow and know but the other half of me is craft, quickly dismissing truth for the lies of this world. I have dreams and passions given to me by the inner voice but my own inner demons are all too good at reminding me of the obstacles that lay ahead and the failures of my past that prevent my success. The term contradiction doesn't even seem strong enough in these moments. It feels as if my body is being torn in at least half, if not into uncountable pieces, by all the arguing voices in my head.
I want so badly to cling to my own ways and my own self medication, fearing what will happen if I truly do trust Him.
If I begin to walk the path He has for me, won’t there be more pain and suffering? Will it be worthwhile? Is the path at my feet even the one He wants or am I fooling myself so well that it only appears that way? Do I want these wonderful things for myself or do I truly want to please God? How can I tell the difference? Is there a way or am I doomed to this torment?
How do I protect myself from myself?
There are so many things I want to do with my life and yet there is always the fear that they are accomplishments for me and not for God. My pride always bubbles to the top leaving me questioning my motives. Will I become some power hungry man, living for his own ends? Will I love attention more than God, twisting gifts into my own personal pleasures? Will I hurt others for my own goals? Will it ever be enough or will I always be left wanting another morsel, another mouthful to nourish my own ego?
Can I ever be happy with being enough?
I want so many things in my life and for those around me. I want them to extremes so badly it terrifies me to think of living a life always thinking of more. I want to live a life that is enough for me but I don’t know how. Can I ever be OK just being me?
God, I need your voice in me daily. I need your words more than any others. I need clarity to know them well and to follow them well. I need a hushing of my own voice and doubts. I need your peace to rest a weary heart and conflicted mind. Without you I will always be split and never find the end. Teach me to know the difference between your voice and mine. Help me to see that there is something in store for me, especially when I don’t know how to see it. Remind me that what you have in store is more than enough and help me to be thankful for the life I have been given. Show me how to live where I am and not always looking for more. Help me God. Amen.